Susan was conflicted by Joe’s death. A handsome, outgoing man, Joe was the life of the party. But out of the sight of friends, Joe drank and was abusive. After years of being deeply unhappy in her marriage, Susan began seeing a counselor. It took her months to muster the courage to leave Joe, but she steadfastly made her plans. She heard Joe crying as she gathered the children and left him. Joe was devastated. After Joe pleaded for months for her to come back, she agreed to see him provided he got help with his drinking. He was angry at Susan, but realized that complying with her demands was the only way to keep his family. He joined Alcoholics Anonymous, found a therapist and began to change his life.

Joe found a new job and stopped drinking. Susan moved back home and together they began seeing a marriage counselor. They committed to repair the damage to their marriage and move on. There were many happy days after they got back together. Rather than attending parties and group gatherings, Susan and Joe focused on family outings with their children.

Four years later Joe was diagnosed with terminal cancer. That night Susan cried in Joe’s arms. She noted with irony that he was finally being strong for her as they were facing the end. Because they needed the emotional and physical support Susan and Joe decided that they would ask for hospice care.

Despite her love for Joe, Susan was also angry at him for getting sick when things were finally going right for them. She loved her husband and he loved her. Their financial problems were behind them and he had just celebrated four years of sobriety. His illness was a violent blow that neither of them was prepared to handle. As Susan overcame the initial shock of the news, she became increasingly preoccupied with life’s unfairness, blaming Joe for how difficult things had become.

A hospice social worker suggested that Susan keep a daily journal. Susan doubted that writing would help, but began writing about her thoughts and feelings of sorrow and rage. Before long, she found comfort in writing and began to make room for her love, anger and guilt. She decided to talk with a therapist to help her work through her feelings.

With the help of the social worker, her therapist and Joe, Susan made a conscious decision to put her anger aside and enjoy the limited time she and Joe had left to them. They spent Joe’s final weeks together. Susan stroked Joe’s forehead and promised him that their children would grow up to be adults that would make him proud. Joe began to plan his funeral, selecting songs, readings from the Bible and some favorite poems. They cherished their family time talking to the kids about what was ahead.

When Joe died Susan was lost. After devoting so much of her energy to caring for Joe, she now had a difficult time focusing on everyday tasks. Susan’s family became alarmed when, months after Joe’s death she had not regained her appetite. She ate only chicken broth and tea, and had dropped to 100 pounds on her 5’ 5” frame. She had stopped seeing her therapist and appeared to have given up.

One night she was awakened to the sound of her daughter crying. Susan tried to get up but was dizzy and disoriented. She was unable to discern whether her daughter was truly crying or if she was imagining the noise. She climbed into bed with her, and held her daughter’s sobbing body, as she cried for daddy. Susan had fallen so deeply into her own grief that she could not see her children’s suffering. In the morning, Susan called her doctor and her therapist. She was confused and barely functioning, but knew something had to be done.

Susan’s initial reaction to Joe’s death was normal. After the repair of their marriage, she was angry at the unfairness of Joe’s illness. Remembering from their separation what life had been like without him she was afraid to continue alone. Unfortunately, Susan became lost in her sorrow neglecting herself physically, leaving her children confused and alone. Startled into reality by her daughter’s night terrors, Susan was able to solve her self-destructive behavior and provide the necessary support and comfort to her children.