HOLIDAYS AND SPECIAL OCCASIONS

Holidays and special occasions may be especially difficult for you. We expect special occasions to be a time of joy and togetherness. Your spouse’s absence at such times is a painful reminder of your loss. You may dread the approaching month of your spouse’s birthday, your wedding anniversary or your first Thanksgiving alone. The first year can be especially difficult, filled with “firsts” without your loved one. As time passes, your grief, even at holidays and special occasions, will subside.

Give yourself the freedom to change or replace your old traditions. You may decide to forego mailing holiday cards in favor of writing a few intimate letters to special friends or family. Plan a special outing with a friend or relative, like going to a movie, visiting an art museum or trying a new restaurant. Once you decide what is best for you, communicate your wishes to your friends and family.

KEEPING THE MEMORY OF YOUR SPOUSE ALIVE

John didn’t remember exactly when the pain began to lift. Soon he was playing tennis regularly at or near his former level of play. John was reluctant to talk openly about Julia believing that it would make his friends uncomfortable. However, in the locker room one day John told his friend Mike that he had decided to wear a small gold medal that he had given Julia. “She really liked this medal and it reminds me of her,” he said.

Despite bringing tears to his eyes, John also began talking to his daughter about Julia. He told her, “Mommy would love the way you look in this dress. I wish she could see you.” But as time went by, Julia became a normal part of their conversation and this was a way of keeping her spirit alive.

He placed a picture of Julia in his daughter’s room. They talked about her in the quiet moments before she went to bed. He was careful to recall specific memories of Julia’s laugh or her favorite sayings so that his daughter would never forget her.

He was shocked the first time someone mentioned dating. John thought: “Are you kidding? No way!” Yet, as time passed, John longed for the intimacy he shared with Julia. One day he noticed a pretty woman at the grocery store. He stopped short, feeling disloyal to Julia. To avoid eye contact, he focused his attention on his groceries and picked up a magazine to avoid eye contact. John felt awkward. It was the first time that he had noticed another woman since Julia’s death. At that moment he realized that he did not want to continue his life alone. One day, when the time was right, he would meet someone to share a laugh, his love and his life.

You need not forsake your love for your spouse. You couldn’t if you tried. Your spouse is a part of your life’s fabric, woven into your soul by years of living and loving. Cherish the memory of your spouse. Maintain the memory of your spouse as an integral part of your history. Don’t allow mention of your spouse to disappear from conversation. Share a story, a laugh about a funny incident and display photos where you will see them during the day.