It has been said that we never get over the loss of a loved one, but instead we slowly integrate the loss into our lives. In his book, "The Journey Through Grief," author and grief counselor Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D. identifies six stages of grieving.

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death - it can take weeks or months to accept that our loved one is really gone.
2. Embracing the pain of the loss - although we may rather hide our pain, we need to confront it and express it with caring people.
3. Remembering the person who died - our loved one might have died but our relationship continues. We need to remember and cherish our time together.
4. Developing a new self-identity - discovering who we are without our loved one. We are changed by love and by grief. Reinvesting in life—developing a new life plan.
5. Searching for meaning - we ask "why" and we look for new meaning to life.
6. Receiving ongoing support from others - seeking out people who will allow us to mourn, to cry, to remember and to realize our own value. It helps to share our burden.

We do not march through the stages of grief in a linear fashion as was previously thought by experts. Rather, each person has his or her own way of moving through the stages, often cycling back and forth among them. With time, emotions become less intense, shorter in duration and the time between grief cycles lengthens.

My mother, with whom I was very close, died several years ago. As a professional nurse and CEO of a hospice company, I "knew" intellectually about grieving. But, "knowing" intellectually about grieving and experiencing the loss of a loved one first hand are different. Early on, I was consumed with the memory of her last days. I thought of things that I could have done or said. I cried a great deal. Eventually, I found peace and acceptance of her passing. One morning while showering, I remembered being at her bedside just before her death. I burst into tears and sobbed for several minutes. I was caught off guard by the intensity of my feelings, but unlike previous months I quickly recovered to go on and enjoy the day. My grieving period was slowly coming to an end.

Acknowledging the death of your spouse can be the most difficult step in the grieving process. Your spouse's passing may seem unreal or temporary and you may have the lingering sense that he will appear at any moment. You may even look for him at the time that he normally came home, or you may expect him to be there when you return. Gradually, you will accept that your spouse's passing is real and permanent.

COMMON REACTIONS TO GRIEF

Grieving, like all feelings and emotions, is also physical. You may feel sick, tired or listless. You may not have the energy to get out of bed or get dressed. You may lose your appetite. All of these physical reactions are normal. Expect to experience any number of the common reactions to grief described below.

IT IS HEALTHY TO GRIEVE

Allow yourself to grieve fully and openly. Do not fear the painful emotions that seem to be rocking your foundation. You may cry, moan or even yell in anger. Crying is nature's way of soothing you when you are in distress. Crying releases proteins and hormones, such as prolactin, that comfort the body and purge toxins.

If you are lost in your grief, confused by the cacophony of competing feelings, emotions and physical manifestations of your loss, get help! Individual therapy and grief support groups have helped many grieving spouses. Help is available through your local hospice, your funeral home, your priest, minister or rabbi. You would not hesitate getting professional help if you were in a car accident. Don't be ashamed to seek professional help if you are bleeding emotionally.

Failing to attend to your real emotional and psychological needs will only result in continued emotional and physical dysfunction. This advice is most true for men, who would often rather "gut it out" than admit that they are hurting. The following stories in the next few pages about Beth, Norman, Susan, and John illustrate how various surviving spouses grieved the loss of their spouse.