Written by P. Mark Accettura

Funerals provide an opportunity to grieve, to be with friends and family and honor the person who has passed. Like weddings, funerals are an important social occasion, balancing budget, custom, religious convention and personal preference.

Funerals are for the living; they do not benefit the dead. What you choose to do in your spouse’s (or your) final arrangements is a personal matter. As you plan the funeral or memorial there are many things to consider.

You may find it helpful to give some thought to the following questions before meeting with a funeral director:

1. What funeral home or mortuary will handle arrangements?
2. Will your spouse be buried or cremated?
3. Will your spouse be embalmed?
4. What type of casket or container will be chosen for the remains?
5. Will the body be present at any after-death ceremony?
6. Open or closed casket?
7. Will there be a period of visitation by family and friends?
8. What are the details of any ceremony you would like to have before cremation or burial? Music? Readings? Will the service be at the funeral home or a church? Who will officiate?
9. What will your spouse wear for cremation or burial?
10. Will there be pallbearers? Who?
11. What will be the final disposition of the remains? Where will they be buried, stored or scattered?
12. How will the body be transported to the cemetery or gravesite?
13. Will there be a ceremony to accompany the interment, burial or scattering? What are the details of that ceremony?
14. Will there be a marker to show where the remains are buried or interred?
15. Will there be a wake?

The job of the funeral director is to care for and safeguard the body until its final disposition. Funeral directors coordinate every aspect of the funeral, serve as dealers for caskets and containers, arrange for final disposition of the body, provide the funeral facility and complete the necessary paperwork.

You may choose a funeral home based on location, reputation or personal experience. Ask family, friends or co-workers for their recommendations. Clergy may be able to offer some helpful guidance. Naturally, you will want a funeral director with whom you feel comfortable.

In your initial investigation, get a price list. Under federal law (The Funeral Rule), funeral directors are required to provide you with a General Price List when you first talk, whether in person or by telephone.

The General Price List establishes the price or range of prices for all of the services and merchandise regularly offered by the funeral home. The list is yours to keep whether or not you complete arrangements with a particular establishment.

If your spouse died out-of-state or in any distant location, you should contact the funeral home in the city where the funeral services will take place to make arrangements. They will make arrangements to pick up the body and have it transported. If you contact a funeral home in the city where the death took place, you will end up paying a basic arrangements fee to both providers at an extra cost of $1,000-$1,500 or more.

Another option for selecting a funeral home is to seek out a local memorial or funeral society. These non-profit, non-sectarian groups began in the early part of the 1900’s to cut funeral costs through cooperative buying power. Memorial societies survey the price lists of funeral homes in their area and negotiate discounts for their members at cooperating funeral homes. Lifetime membership in a memorial or funeral society typically runs about $40.

In addition to providing a wide range of funeral planning services, memorial societies also serve as consumer “watchdogs” over the funeral industry. It was their efforts that resulted in the Federal Trade Commission’s enactment of The Funeral Rule in 1982 protecting funeral consumer rights.

FUNERAL COSTS

Funerals can be expensive. The average cost (nationally) of a funeral today is around $4800. However, funeral costs can vary widely depending on the funeral home, where you live and the types of goods and services you choose to purchase.

Generally, the costs of a funeral can be divided into two categories:

1. Services and facilities provided by the funeral home, funeral director and his staff; and
2. Merchandise, such as caskets and urns.

The meeting with the funeral director during which funeral goods and services are discussed and purchased is called the “arrangement conference.” At this meeting, the funeral director will provide you with a General Price List (if he has not done so already) in compliance with Federal Trade Commission rules.

The General Price List outlines the price of all of the goods and services regularly offered by the funeral home.

1. The services of the funeral director, including the arrangement conference, the filing of necessary paperwork and the use of the funeral home for the custodial care of the body until final disposition. These services comprise the Basic Arrangements Fee and may not be declined.
2. Funeral goods and merchandise including caskets, urns and buried containers such as graves liners and vaults.
3. Transportation of the body from the place of death and to the place of final disposition.
4. Care of the body, including embalming (or refrigeration) and preparation for viewing.
5. Use of the funeral home facilities for visitation or viewing and the funeral ceremony, if held at the funeral home.
6. Miscellaneous items, such as register books; music, burial clothing, flowers, acknowledgment cards and the preparation of an obituary or death notice.

In addition to the items covered by the funeral home’s price list(s), funeral arrangements will include cash advance items that the funeral home pays to outside service providers such as the cemetery or crematory, clergy and fees for certified copies of the death certificate.

You may pay these fees directly or through the funeral home. The funeral home may not add a service or handling fee on advanced outside service fees.

ITEMIZED STATEMENT

Once you have made your selections you will be given an Itemized Statement of Services and Merchandise. This document will include a detailed outline of the specific merchandise and services you have selected, the price of each, a total cost and an estimate of cash advance items for which you will be responsible.

In most cases, the Itemized Statement will also include contractual language that legally obligates you to pay for the cost of the funeral and outlines the terms of payment. Payment arrangements vary widely.

Some funeral homes require full payment of the entire funeral before a single service is rendered, while others will advance the entire cost of the funeral allowing the family up to thirty days to pay.

THE FUNERAL RULE

Past abuses and unethical practices by some funeral care providers resulted in the 1982 enactment of the Funeral Rule by the Federal Trade Commission. In general, the Funeral Rule requires full price disclosure and outlines both required and prohibited activities for the death services industry.

Some activities prohibited under the Funeral Rule include:

1. Pressuring the customer to select particular merchandise or services or suggesting that any products provided are inadequate or unsatisfactory.
2. Charging a handling fee for paying third parties on your behalf.
3. Charging a handling fee for using a casket obtained from some other source.
4. Charging for goods or services not selected by the customer.
5. Charging an extra fee for filing the death certificate.
6. Misrepresenting laws and rules regarding funeral directing and required services.
7. Charging interest on unpaid balances unless these fees have been explicitly disclosed in the Itemized Statement.

If you believe that a funeral director is pressuring you or that you have been the victim of a prohibited activity, you may report him/her to the agency regulating their activities in your state or to the Federal Trade Commission.

OBITUARIES AND DEATH NOTICES

An obituary is a published notice of death written by newspaper staff and controlled by the newspaper’s editorial policy. You may provide as much, or as little information as you wish, however there is no guarantee that it will be used. Make an effort to write a thoughtful paragraph or two about your spouse and submit it to your news-hungry local newspaper. It is much more likely to run locally (as opposed to the big city newspaper) and be seen by the people in your community.

Death notices are paid advertisements that must be published. Take the time and make the investment to properly memorialize your spouse with an appropriate death notice. List your spouse’s family members and his or her accomplishments. Although it costs more, run the death notice for at least two days to be sure that it is seen by as many people who knew your late spouse as possible.

CREMATION

Although earth burial continues to be the most common disposition of human remains, cremation is becoming more common. During cremation the body is placed in a casket or container which is then placed in a cremation chamber.

After a period of approximately three hours at a temperature between 1500 and 2000 degrees, all organic materials are consumed by either heat or evaporation.

At completion only a residue of ash and bone fragments remains. This residue is processed into fine particles and placed either in a container provided by the crematorium or an urn purchased by the family.

Because cremations obliterate any evidence of the cause of death, some states impose a minimum waiting period following death before a cremation may take place. During this “waiting period” the body must to be preserved by embalming or refrigeration.

Cremation services may be purchased directly from a crematorium (which may or may not have additional facilities on site to conduct a funeral or memorial service) or may be arranged through a funeral home or mortuary.

Following cremation there are several options for disposal of the cremains including burial, placement in a columbarium, retention by a family member or scattering of the cremains in a place of significance (subject to state and local law restrictions). Earth burial of a box or urn in a cemetery is another option. Many cemeteries will allow burial of an urn above a casketed spouse or parent in a single grave as a way of preserving space.

CASKETS, URNS, VAULTS AND GRAVE LINERS

A casket is the single most costly item in a traditional funeral and accounts for a large percentage of funeral costs. Prior to the passage of rules protecting consumers funeral homes used to wrap the costs of a funeral around the price of a casket marking them up several hundred percent to cover other costs. Since 1982, all aspects of the funeral must be priced separately.

Caskets are available in a wide variety of materials (wood, metal, plastic, fiberglass, even cardboard) and styles. The one you choose depends on your budget and the importance you place on such things. Caskets are widely available from cemeteries, independent dealers and on the Internet. Although not required, as a matter of convenience most families purchase the casket from the funeral home provider.

Urns (used to hold cremains) come in a wide variety of prices and styles. Prices vary from about $50 for a simple plastic box to $7000 or more. The more expensive urns are priced according to the materials used and the artistry involved in their creation. Urns may be made from wood, metal, glass or pottery. In general, if the cremains are to be buried you will be required to have at least a sheet metal or copper box.

Burial vaults and grave liners are outside containers into which a casket is placed when it is buried, ostensibly to protect the casket. A grave liner is similar to a vault, but of lighter construction. Like caskets, they can be made from a variety of materials including concrete, steel, copper and fiberglass. The difference in materials is reflected in the price.

Burial vaults and grave liners are outside containers into which a casket is placed when it is buried, ostensibly to protect the casket. A grave liner is similar to a vault, but of lighter construction. Like caskets, they can be made from a variety of materials including concrete, steel, copper and fiberglass. The difference in materials is reflected in the price.

Though most areas of the country have no laws requiring the use of vaults or grave liners, most cemeteries require their use in order to keep the ground from sinking or collapsing over the grave.

Rituals and Rites

The funeral service has three primary rites: the visitation, the service and the interment. Each rite is distinct and serves a particular purpose. You may choose all or none of them. Together they form a strong and for some a necessary form of emotional and spiritual expression.

VISITATION

The visitation is a time when family and friends come together to share their experiences and memories about the deceased and comfort one another. Depending on whether the body is present and whether there is an open casket, it is also a time when family and friends can view the deceased and see the reality of death. The visitation typically takes place at a funeral home, but it is also acceptable for the family to receive friends at their home.

It is increasingly common to have a memory board or memory table at the funeral home during the visitation. Personal items that were meaningful to the deceased and collections of family photographs can be displayed so that visitors can recall the full dimension of the life being celebrated.

THE SERVICE

There are no legal requirements as to the form of the funeral ceremony itself. Most people choose some form of religious ceremony that follows their own cultural traditions. The service is a time for an affirmation of life, a memorial to and tribute for the deceased through thought, prayer or eulogy. Services may be held at the funeral home, mortuary or at a place of worship. Most services last from twenty minutes to half an hour, but can last longer particularly if they involve prescribed religious rites. The funeral service should include aspects that are meaningful and comforting to the mourners.

INTERMENT

The final rite of the funeral service is the committal or interment. The committal service whether it be at graveside for a burial or the scattering of cremains is the symbolic demonstration that a life has ended. It is the time when we say our final goodbye. Committal services may or may not include a brief ceremony. You are permitted to witness the cremation and witness (or even participate in) the filling of grave with dirt. Far from being macabre, following the committal or interment to its final conclusion is regarded by some, like Thomas Lynch in “Tract” below, as a an integral part of the process.

CEMETERIES

Cemeteries link us to our history. Great heroes, poets, scientists and soldiers lie beside our friends, neighbors and family. Whether a body is casketed or cremated, most people opt for final disposition of the remains in a cemetery. There are two primary “styles” of cemetery – the traditional cemetery and the memorial park or garden.

Traditional cemeteries are distinguished by gravesites marked by upright gravestones and monuments. They may also contain decorative sculptures, fountains, tombs and mausoleums or columbaria. Because traditional cemeteries tend to be older, many of them have extensive landscaping with an abundance of mature trees.

Memorial parks or gardens are a more recent development. They are characterized by broad expanses of lawn and gardens with flat bronze or stone markers. They too, may include many decorative elements. In recent years both types of cemeteries have frequently incorporated scattering gardens for the broadcasting of cremains.

A standard cemetery plot (approximately four feet by ten feet) generally costs several hundred dollars. Plots are available in pairs, side-by-side, for spouses. Urban areas command higher prices. And like any other real estate, location is a major determinant of price. Plots located in more “desirable” sections of the cemetery tend to be more costly. Prices also escalate for plots with a view.

Due to the scarcity of ground in older cemeteries, additional options have been developed to create additional space. One method is two-deep burials, where one casket is buried at eight feet and a second later layered on top. Mausoleum buildings with floor to ceiling vaults to house caskets are also common.

In making cemetery arrangements, there are a number of factors to consider in addition to price:

1. Does the cemetery require the use of a burial vault?
2. Are there restrictions on the type of monument or marker that can be used?
3. Does the price include perpetual care and maintenance?
4. What are the approximate opening and closing fees?
5. Are there provisions for the disposition of cremains as well as casketed remains?
6. Are there plots available in the same area (to provide for the burial of an entire family)?

Because they are not regulated in the same way as funeral homes (the Funeral Rule does not apply), cemeteries can charge whatever the market will bear. Generally, some portion of the purchase price of a plot goes to an endowment to provide for maintenance of the cemetery in perpetuity.

Although you will receive a “deed” to the cemetery plot you purchase it assures you only of the right to bury whomever you please in the plot. Actual ownership of the land remains with the cemetery owners. Typically there are restrictions on the resale of a plot if you decide not to use it.

Opening and closing fees for a gravesite usually run several hundred dollars. These fees cover not only the digging and filling of the grave, but also boundary marking, the filing of all necessary paperwork, use of the lowering device and re-grading and re-sodding of the plot.

ALTERNATIVE PLANS

Immediate burial or direct cremation is an option for those who choose not to have a traditional ceremony or where cost is paramount. Immediate burial is the disposition of the human remains without a visitation, viewing, or ceremony other than a graveside service.

The body does not require embalming for immediate burial and the cost of a graveside service is included in the package price, though generally, the price of a casket is not. Similarly direct cremation is the disposition of remains by cremation without formal ceremony. Both immediate burial and direct cremation will appear as separate items on the funeral homes price list.

PRE-PLANNING

Pre-planning your funeral relieves your survivors of this responsibility and allows for your personal expression. Pre-planning, which may include pre-paying, also has some financial advantages. Not only do pre-planned funerals tend to be less expensive; pre-paid funerals are not counted for Medicaid eligibility purposes. (see “Medicaid” in Chapter Twelve).

There are two parts to pre-planning: pre-arranging and pre-funding. Pre-arranging involves recording your wishes as to choice of funeral home, whether you wish to be buried or cremated, the name and location of the cemetery and the details of the ceremony.

Do not document your wishes in your Will, as it will likely to be read long after you are gone. Pre-funding is an agreement with a funeral provider as to the goods and services to be provided at a future date at an agreed price.

Pre-funding is regulated by state law. Before executing a pre-funded contract you should determine:

1. Is there a price guarantee? For which items or services?
2. What happens on interest earned on pre-paid funds?
3. Is there a pre-payment penalty (on installment plans)?
4. Can you make changes to the contract?
5. What about substitutions if your choices are not available?
6. Are there geographic restrictions? What happens if you move?

TRACT by Thomas A. Lynch

In “Tract,” noted poet, author and undertaker, Thomas Lynch of Milford, Michigan muses on directing his own funeral, the usefulness of graveside rituals, the weather, dirt and the love of his family.

I’d rather it be February. Not that it will matter much to me. Not that I’m a stickler for details. But since you’re asking -- February. The month I first became a father, the month my father died. Yes. Better even than November.

I want it cold. I want the gray to inhabit the air like wood does trees: as an essence not a coincidence. And the hope for springtime, gardens, romance, dulled to a stump by the winter in Michigan.

Yes, February. With the cold behind and the cold before you and the darkness stubborn at the edges of the day. And a wind to make the cold more bitter. So that ever after it might be said, “It was a sad old day we did it after all.”

And a good frost hold on the ground so that, for nights before it is dug, the sexton will have had to go up and put a fire down, under the hood that fits the space, to soften the topsoil for the backhoe’s toothy bucket. Wake me. Let those who want to come and look. They have their reasons. You’ll have yours. And if someone says, “Doesn’t he look natural!” take no offense. They’ve got it right. For this was always in my nature. It’s in yours.

And have the clergy take their part in. Let them take their best shot. If they’re ever going to make sense to you, now’s the time. They’re looking, same as the rest of us. The questions are more instructive than the answers. Be wary of anyone who knows what to say.

As for music, suit yourselves. I’ll be out of earshot, stone deaf. A lot can be said for pipers and tin whistlers. But consider the difference between a funeral with a few tunes and a concert with a corpse down front. Avoid, for your own sakes, anything you’ve heard in the dentist’s office or the roller rink.

Poems might be said. I’ve had friends who were poets. Mind you, they tend to go on a bit. Especially around horizontal bodies. Sex and death are their principal studies. It is here where the services of an experienced undertaker are most appreciated. Accustomed to being personae non grata, they’ll act the worth editor and tell the bards when it’s time to put a sock in it.

On the subject of money: you get what you pay for. Deal with someone whose instincts you trust. If anyone tells you you haven’t spent enough, tell them to go piss up a rope. Tell the same thing to anyone who says you spent too much. Tell them to go piss up a rope. It’s your money. Do what you want with it. But let me make one thing perfectly clear. You know the type who’s always saying “When I’m dead, save your money, spend it on something really useful, do me cheaply”? I’m not one of them. Never was. I’ve always thought that funerals were useful. So do what suits you. It is yours to do. You’re entitled to wholesale on most of it.

As for guilt --- it’s much overrated. Here are the facts in the case at hand: I’ve known the love of the ones who have loved me. And I’ve known that they’ve known that I’ve loved them, too. Everything else, in the end, seems irrelevant. But if guilt is the thing, forgive yourself, forgive me. And if a little upgrade in the pomp and circumstance makes you feel better, consider it money wisely spent. Compared to shrinks and pharmaceuticals, bartenders or homeopaths, geographical or ecclesiastical cures, even the priciest funeral is a bargain.

I want a mess made in the snow so that the earth looks wounded, forced open, an unwilling participant. Forego the tent. Stand openly to the weather. Get the larger equipment out of sight. It’s a distraction. But have the sexton, all dirt and indifference, remain at hand. He and the hearse driver can talk of poker or trade jokes in whispers and straight-face while the clergy tender final commendations. Those who lean on shovels and fill holes, like those who lean on custom and old prayers, are, each of them, experts in the one field.

And you should see it till the very end. Avoid the temptation of tidy leavetaking in a room, a cemetery chapel, at the foot of the altar. None of that. Don’t dodge it because of the weather. We’ve finished and watched football in worse conditions. It won’t take long. Go to the hole in the ground. Stand over it. Look into it. Wonder. And be cold. But stay until it’s over. Until it is done.

On the subject of pallbearers – my darling son, my fierce daughter, my grandsons and granddaughters, if I’ve any. The larger muscles should be involved. The ones we use for the real burdens. If men and their muscles are better at lifting, women and theirs are better at bearing. This is a job for which both may be needed. So work together. It will lighten the load.

Look to my beloved for the best example. She has a mighty heart, a rich internal life, and powerful medicines.

After the words are finished, lower it. Leave the ropes. Toss the gray gloves on top. Push the dirt in and be done. Watch each other’s ankles, stamp your feet in the cold, let your heads sink between your shoulders, keep looking down. That’s where what is happening is happening. And when you’re done, look up and leave. But not until you’re done.

So, if you opt for burning, stand and watch. If you can not watch it, perhaps you should reconsider. Stand in earshot of the sizzle and the pop. Try to get a whiff of the goings on. Warm your hands to the fire. This might be a good time for a song. Bury the ashes, cinders, and bones. The bits of the box that did not burn.

Put them in something.
Mark the spot.
Feed the hungry. It’s good form. Feed them well. This business works up an appetite,
like going to the seaside, walking the cliff road. After that, be sober.

This is none of my business. I won’t be there. But if you’re asking, here is free advice. You know the part where everybody is always saying that you should have a party now? How the dead guy always insisted he wanted everyone to have a good time and toss a few back and laugh and be happy? I’m not one of them. I think the old teacher is right about this one. There is a time to dance. And it just may be this isn’t one of them. The dead can’t tell the living what to feel.

They used to have this year of mourning. Folks wore armbands, black clothes, played no music in the house. Black wreaths were hung at the front doors. The damaged were identified. For a full year you were allowed your grief – the dreams and sleeplessness, the sadness, the rage. The weeping and giggling in all the wrong places. The catch in your breath at the sound of the name. After a year, you would be back to normal. “Time heals” is what was said to explain this. If not, of course, you were pronounced some version of “crazy” and in need of some professional help.

Whatever’s there to feel, feel it – the riddance, the relief, the fright and freedom, the fear of forgetting, the dull ache of your own mortality. Go home in pairs. Warm to the flesh that warms you still. Get with someone you can trust with tears, with anger, and wonderment and utter silence. Get that part done – the sooner the better. The only way around these things is through them.

I know I shouldn’t be going on like this. I’ve had this problem all my life. Directing funerals.

It’s yours to do – my funeral – not mine. The death is yours to live with once I’m dead. So here is a coupon good for Disregard. And here is another marked My Approval. Ignore, with my blessings, whatever I’ve said beyond Love One Another. Live Forever.

All I really wanted was a witness. To say I was. To say, daft as it still sounds, maybe I am. To say, if they ask you, it was a sad day after all. It was a cold, gray day. February.

Of course, any other month you’re on your own. Have no fear – you’ll know what to do. Go now, I think you are ready.